Episode 3— The Data Bitch
Theme music begins:
“When I was young, my Dad used to say,
‘Son, we’re all going to die one day.
Why don’t you take a little time to do some good along the way …
Take a little time …
(music fades going into chorus.)
Gregor (low voiceover, speaking intimately into a microphone): Welcome to the Old Rockers podcast …
Del (interrupting, much higher energy) … where two undeserving old guys find fame and fortune at a time in life when they least expected it. I’m your host Del Watson. I want to take a second to speak directly out there to all the dudes, and a few chicks, who are equally or more deserving of having this platform that we have. Am I speaking for you, too, Gregor?
Gregor: A hundred per cent. Why us? Why do we have this national, and even international platform, to talk about music and our generation. Why do we get to talk to actual rock stars and celebrities when so many, like us, were just bumbling along in life not so many months ago.
Del: Yeah, why do we get paid by companies that make adult diapers and eyedrops and erectile dysfunction supplements to pretend we like their products, while others who are equally deserving go entirely unrecognized. It’s not like we were more talented …
Gregor: Yeah, or that we worked harder …
Del: Or that we were more original …
Gregor: Or that we had bigger dicks … (both are silent)
Del: Moving right along … you know what I was thinking about today? How ironic it is that vinyl is now the state of the art for record releases.
Gregor: I KNOW! We go through reel-to-reel, 8-tracks, cassettes, VCR, Beta, CD, DVD … and now the prestige release for new bands is on vinyl.
Del: We’re back in the day of Thomas Edison.
Gregor: Uh … he was the light bulb guy. I think you mean Alexander Graham Bell.
Del: Yeah the “Come here, Mr. Watson” guy. I was told that Watson was a distant relative of mine.
Gregor: Actually we do have bigger dicks.
Del: Speak for yourself, this is irrelevant.
Gregor: No, it’s true. I’ve seen yours.
Del: When?
Gregor: In the locker room, back at Obediah Brown.
Del: You realize … as you speak, your credibility, especially as a lawyer and ex-almost governor of Rhode Island, is going straight down the drain, and our special guest today is probably looking for a hole to crawl into.
Gregor: Actually, not true. Aforementioned special guest instructed me to be completely sophomoric in today’s introduction.
Del: Why would she do that?
Gregor: Because that’s what the data says.
Del: What are you talking about? What data?
Gregor: The marketing data (pauses) … numbnut! I just added that to, you know, juve it up a little bit. Do you think that these companies that support this show do it, because they think we are cute or, god forbid, that we’re good musicians? Don’t be naive. They conduct focus groups and do surveys. You know whenever you do anything online and then it pops up with a screen asking if you mind answering a few more questions? It’s all harvesting data, your data. And your data is like a road map that tells these companies’s data nerds how to get into your wallet.
Del: I think you’ve lost it.
Gregor: Let me try it differently … remember when you were sweeping chimneys?
Del: Not so long ago, actually.
Gregor: What’s the first thing you’d do?
Del: Check that the woodstove was actually cold. You’d be surprised how many people expect you to clean their chimneys while their stove is red hot.
Gregor: Exactly! That’s data you’re collecting. What next?
Del: Look at the ash?
Gregor: Why?
Del: It tells me what they’re burning, are they running it too hot or not hot enough, whether or not the flue is likely to be filled with flyash or lined with creosote?
Gregor: Data, data, data. Now you get it? Data is the new gold, the new crypto, the new non-fungible whatever.
Del: Stop. My heads hurts. I clean chimneys. I play rock and roll. I write songs about stupid things. What more do you want from me?
Gregor: The data tells us there are many more like you out there, and the companies that use that data want to sell shit to the people who get off on your fart jokes.
Del: I just want to get on to our guest, Gwen.
Gregor: I bet you’d like to get on to her.
Del: Stop it. What corporate genius is supporting today’s podcast?
Gregor: Today’s episode of Old Rockers is made possible by Doubblesse, the Essence of what makes a day great.
Del: I’ve never heard of it.
Gregor: You do if you watch the evening news.
Del: Not if I can help it. There’s too much bad stuff going on in the world. There are wars all over the place, climate catastrophes, school shootings, migrants streaming across the border, and complete morons in Congress.
Gregor: And a lot of people agree with you, Brother, and on the other hand, life’s not so bad. When’s the last time you missed a meal?
Del: Hardly. I could stand to lose a few pounds.
Gregor: You and a few million others. When was the last time you were cold at night.
Del: That’s why I have two woodstoves.
Gregor: My point is, your personal needs are taken care of. It’s the rest of the world that keeps you in turmoil, and that’s where Doubblesse can really help out. Once in the morning can keep you right for the rest of the day.
Del: You know … I hear their jingle all the time (sings) “Duh-blesssssssss, Duh-blesssssss.” Very soothing. And I’ve seen their logo, which looks kindof like a sleeping dollar sign …
Gregor: Yeah, that’s the “double-S” …
Del: But I still don’t know what the product is, or what the double-S stands for. Super Star? Summer Sizzlers? Sunday Savings?
Gregor: Stool Softener. You didn’t know that?
Del: (changing vocal to a pitchman) Doublesse, the essence of what makes a day great and proud sponsor of the Old Rockers podcast.
Gregor: We’re a bit out of sequence on Old Rockers. We’ve been telling the story of Grendel in chronological sequence, but today we’re going to flash forward to– not the ending, but to the present.
Del: This will help the listeners get a sneak preview into how Gregor and I went from being obscure old rockers to famous old rockers without doing anything. I’m proud to welcome our agent and friend, Gwen Saperstein.
(Saperstein appears on the monitor. She wears a business suit that is well-tailored. Her hair is sensibly short, blond but not-naturally so. She’s an attractive package.)
Hello, Gwen! I’d say you are looking great, but I’m not sure you’re allowed to say that these days.
Gwen: You can get away with “great” with me, but with everyone else it’s best just to dummy up. How are you boys?
Del: I feel great. I had the poop of the century this morning because I doubled up on my Doublesse.
Gregor: Just ignore him, Gwen. I want to dial back a few years ago when you first heard about us. Let me set the stage. After our meteoric beginning as pseudo-Beatles in mid-60s Providence, Del and I went our separate ways for many years. Decades, in fact.
Del: Although we always remained connected by the thinnest, yet strongest, musical strands.
Gregor: But eventually, we did find each other and actually started making some music again. Eventually, due to the intervention of an angel …
Del: An angel with pink hair who called himself Drama Dude …
Gregor: Thank you, Del. Due to the intervention of Drama Dude, our story was woven into a story that was staged at the Trinity Square Playhouse in Providence. Let me pass it over to you, Gwen.
Gwen: I was visiting my sister, who lives in Providence, who got tickets to a performance of the show, “Old Rockers” that she said was causing a pretty stir locally. So I went to see the show …
Del: And the rest is history. Blown away as she was by the charm of the lead characters and beguiled by their original music, she immediately saw their names in lights …
Gwen: (interrupting) Down, Rocky, easy boy, take a deep breath. I will admit, I enjoyed the show, it was fun. But I was taken even more by the audience reaction. There might be something here, I thought, so the next morning I put my team on it.
Del: … and then the rest is history.
Gwen: Slow down.
Gregor & Del: (sing) “baby, now you’re moving way too fast.” Gregor: Beatles song. Del: but not a Lennon McCartney tune. You were saying?
Gwen: The more we researched and the more we looked at the data, the more we realized we were seeing what is called a “population backwater.” What that is, in terms of a stream, when the main current flows by a rock or log, there is often a calm eddy that is left behind. In terms of data management these eddies or backwaters can be very valuable, because they represent underserved markets. If these markets can be defined and reached, they can be gold mines, especially if there is an “unfair advantage” involved.
Gregor: And, an unfair advantage is … ?
Gwen: An unfair advantage is something that you have that your competition is powerless to compete against. As a marketer that’s what I want to focus on and exploit the hell out of. That’s what builds a brand, and that’s what we’ve done with you.
Del: Back up a little bit … so you came to see the Old Rockers show at Trinity Square. Did you see an “unfair advantage” then?
Gwen: Absolutely I did, but an unfair advantage is worth nothing if there’s no market potential. That’s why the first thing I did the next morning was to call the office to do a data workup on the potential market. Everything at this point is data driven.
Gregor: And what you found was …?
Gwen: There are scads of you– old, mostly white guys, sitting on their asses, with control of billions of dollars in assets, with very little to spend it on. Their lives are, almost literally, on remote control, and they have nothing better than to do than to reflect on their glorious pasts as young warriors.
Del: Gwen, I’m so flattered that you consider us as representative of this glorious group. What did I hear .. old, fat, white.
Gwen: I didn’t say “fat,” but I could have. One of the potential sponsors that we’re pitching for your podcast is Ozmotic©, the weight control drug that everyone’s taking these days.
Gregor: You still haven’t told us our “unfair advantage.”
Del: Wait! Don’t. I’m keen to guess. I will start on ruling out our good looks or our oversized genitalia.
Gwen: You can rule out your juvenile humor, too.
Gregor: It’s got to be our music. Just by definition, we’re the only ones who could have written those songs. A song like “Casserole Blues” has unfair advantage written all over it.
Del: Yeah … “Pamela & Johnny”. Gotta be our music.
Gwen: Partially, it’s the music. The truth is there are literally hundreds of thousands of musicians out there who are talented as you two, and each one of those guys has written a bunch of songs, maybe not those exact songs, but not so very different. Let’s be honest, fellows. You could listen to Spotify for many months and hear a lot of music that is as good as yours.
Del: Gwen, its uplifting talking to you. Couldn’t you toss us a bone and tell us our animal magnetism is at least part of it.
Gwen (starts laughing, becomes almost uncontrollable)
Gregor: I guess we can cross “animal magnetism” off the list.
Gwen: (getting herself composed) I’m sorry. You guys know I love you, professionally anyway, but I think it’s a riot how guys … not just you, but guys everywhere think that women are turned on by some overwhelming musk or visual stimulation. You are both nice, but the idea that I would be sexually attracted to you is … frankly … creepy.
Del: Creepy! Ouch.
Gregor: You know the French have a formula for determining “creepiness.”
Gwen: Is this true or just something you assume is true because you read it on the Internet.
Gregor: No, it’s true. To determine whether one partner is too old for the other, you take half the older partner’s age, divide it in half, and add seven. Using this criteria you fall easily within Del’s and my realm of possibilty.
Gwen: Using this formula I could be dating someone who’s only … (pauses to do mental calculation) … hm-m-m … interesting.
Del: OK, we give up. What’s our “unfair advantage?”
Gwen: It’s your backstory. Just run the data points … folk music, been there … Beatles, been there … Vietnam, been there … back-to-the-land, been there. But, not only were you there, you were there in a unique way. Lots of people went back-to-the-land, but how many did it by committing pseudocide and living under an assumed identity of a dead soldier while supporting yourself selling marijuana? How many people achieved success in the political arena, only to turn their back on it on the brink of stardom? And how many people maintained a friendship based on the thin, connective strand of music. Data, data, data, and more data. You, my friends, came straight from central casting as the marketer’s dream.
Gregor: Data … I bet at your office they call you “The Data Queen.”
Gwen: No. At my office they call me “The Data Bitch.”
Del: So, there’s really nothing remarkable or exceptional about Gregor and I. We just happened to be in the right place at the right time.
Gwen: Yes. But to your credit, however, at least you didn’t fuck things up.
Del: Fuck things up how?
Gwen: Suppose you were on the sex offender registry? Or were convicted of a felony? Or spoke with a stutter, or were just plain ugly. Any of these things would prevent a national advertiser from being associated with you. That’s why we invited you to our headquarters in New York. It was really an audition to see if you could pass muster on being presentable.
Del: Hey Gregor … good job on not being ugly.
Gregor: You too, for not having a speech impairment.
Gwen: Give yourselves credit. A lot of people would have failed this litmus test.
Del: This hasn’t been the most uplifting podcast we’ve ever done.
Gwen: Are you kidding? Things have never looked better for the Old Rockers franchise. Jimmy Fallon wants to perform with the two of you. It’s a long shot, but we’re talking with Joe Rogan. Dion has asked you to blurb his upcoming memoir. The Ozmotic© thing could be huge. The future is bright for the Old Rockers. Just don’t screw everything up by croaking on me.