[SB Ross (suburbs of Toronto Silverbacks) and SB Dave (Saguaro SBs) keep sending me funny stuff, so I keep sharing it (and taking credit for it). SB SM]
CLEVER WORDS FOR CLEVER PEOPLE
1. ARBITRATOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.
2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through.
4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do.
5. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
6. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
7. HEROES
What a man in a boat does.
8. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower.
9. PARADOX
Two physicians.
10. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm.
11. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring.
12. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife.
13. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does.
14. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official.
I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $40, so I gave it to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15.
My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We’ve been awake since Tuesday.
Someone just gave me half a peace sign. Weird.
Growing up, we knew Dad had had enough when we heard the recliner slam down. Kids these days will never know that fear.
My wife said: “That’s the 4th time you’ve gone back for dessert! Doesn’t it embarrass you?” I said: “No, I keep telling them it’s for you.”
My wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom. Her favorite is The Sexy Librarian where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.
Being old is when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go too.
I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
At a wedding reception, someone yelled: “All married people please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living.” The bartender was almost crushed to death.
I met my wife at a singles night. I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.
I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time.
Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation.” We’re spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that
you can’t always trust Google Maps.