Say What? The Addendum

[A follow-up to yesterday’s post. SB SM]

My Dixie Ear Cups have arrived.

The only word to describe my new Hearcups is underwhelming. It quite literally looks like a black plastic Dixie cup was cut in half. There is also a black elastic string to hold the cups in place. On the cups is printed:

hearcups.com

MADE IN CHINA

Pat. D849,248

But what do you expect for something that carries a retail of $9.95? Granted, that includes shipping, all the way from China by way of Amazon. There’s also a brief, but enlightening operation manual.

This was one of my Million Dollar Ideas from 2012. I was going to call them either “Obamas” in reference our 44th President’s protruding ears, or Mickeys or Minnies, depending on whether they were designed for a dude or a chick. I’ve heard that Disney Corporation is notoriously litiginous regarding their intellectual properties, so that that idea probably would not fly.

The empire was squashed even before spending my first fantasy million when my wife said bluntly “No one will be caught dead wearing anything that makes them look stupid.” Almost a decade passed until I learned that my inspiration had become a reality. Then, only 3 days passed until I learned that my idea for “reading glasses for the ears,” as not, in fact, original to me, but rather was the patented idea of

But do they work? The instruction booklet offers scientific proof in the form of a chart that compares sound sensitivity as measured with a simple sound hole (no ears, blue line), normal ears (red line), and cupped ears (green line).

Cupped ears, claims the brochure, produce a 30% improvement over regular ears. It was time for the field test.

These things are really poorly designed. A five-year-old could do better. And they are, to use a technical term, rinky-dink beyond belief, but they do work. The claim of a 30% improvement over regular ears … maybe so! Among the other design drawbacks is that a product that depends on having an elasticized band hooking under your jowls instantly makes you look 20 pounds heavier. The male model on their brochure covers this up by having a beard. Would I be caught dead outside the safety of my own home? Not on your life.

What’s that? Say again? Vanity triumphs again.