[This is the final episode of The Old Rockers Podcast. Hungry for feedback … did you read it? … did you tolerate it? … did you ignore it? Tumbs up? Thumbs down? Thumbs sideways? Have pity on a couple of old apes and tell us what you think. Oo-oo. SBs SM and WGM]
Old Rockers Podcast. Conclusion
Theme music begins:
“When I was young, my Dad used to say,
‘Son, we’re all going to die one day.
Why don’t you take a little time to do some good along the way …
Take a little time …
(music fades going into chorus.)
Del: We are the Old Rockers, and we are ready to rock!
Gregor: You feeling it? You ready to play loud, play, fast and get the hell off the stage!
Del: You bet I am, especially after last week’s podcast.
Gregor: That was a kick in the teeth! For those of you who missed it, we talked to Royalton Bent, a young man who, as Drama Dude, started the ball rolling for what has become the Old Rockers … what would you call us, Del? A franchise? A brand? A phenomenon?
Del: I dunno, but we’re something, and he’s got nothing going. I felt terrible after last week’s show. I went to Augie LaRock, you remember him from a few episodes ago, and he said there are lots of kids around here in this same situation. They don’t have much of a future …
Gregor: .. and they don’t have much of a present. Meanwhile, we’re telling this kid to keep his head down and keep showing up for his job on the third shift stamping out injection molding parts or whatever he does.
Del: We’ve got to keep working on it.
Gregor: We’ve got to keep working on it.
Del: Meanwhile, we’ve got a show to do, and a guest standing by. But before we turn the page on Drama Dude, I need to publicly thank him for not only the role he played in our success, but for providing a moment for reflection on what is important in life. We pass through —
Gregor: (interrupts) No-no-no-no-no-o-o-o. I see where this is heading, and I’m not going to let you go there. Just a minute ago you were saying “play loud, play fast.” Are you going to get the hell off the stage now?
Del: (sheepishly) No.
Gregor: You can’t have it both ways. Either get the hell off the stage or play loud and play fast.
Del: Ok.
Gregor: Which is it going to be then?
Del: Play loud, play fast.
Gregor: You sure?
Del: Yeah, I’m sure.
Gregor: Why don’t you introduce today’s guest.
Del: Today we are going back to Venice Beach, Florida which is where we started our podcast many moons ago when we interviewed my mother, Trudy. Today we are interviewing the woman who was, and still is, my mother’s best friend, Gloria.
Gregor: G-L-O-R-I-A?
Del: Not that Gloria. This one is even better, because when I was a mere lad of eighteen, she fucked my brains out for an entire summer. Welcome to the Old Rockers Podcast.
Gloria: (Her white hair shows above a red kerchief. She wears sunglasses and a colorful shoulder wrap over a bathing suit. She’s sitting in a beach chair.) You could have chosen a more nuanced introduction.
Del: I promised Gregor to “play loud” and “play fast.” In any case, welcome to the Old Rockers Podcast.
Gregor: What’s it like today on the beach?
Gloria: Pretty damn perfect. Mid-seventies. Already done my power walk with my lady friends, and a group of us are going to hit the Early Bird special at The Octopus.
Del: How does the Early Bird work?
Gloria: Early Bird is 4 pm to 6 pm. All drinks are five bucks and they have a choice of three entrees for ten. There’s usually eight of us, plus or minus a few.
Del: Will Trudy be there?
Gloria: She usually is, and I’m sure she’ll want to hear how it went today.
Del: All women?
Gloria: No Freddie Freeloader is always there, as well as Hank the Bank.
Gregor: Hank the Bank? Where did that name come from?
Gloria: He picks up the check for the entire table! Every week! His catch-phrase is “What am I saving it for … the worms?”
Gregor: Now I can figure out Freddie the Freeloaders, too.
Gloria: He’s married to one of the girls. Hank says he wins the money back from Freddie on the golf course, but who knows?
Del: Are the other women single?
Gloria: Widowed or divorced. One time we counted up that among us we had 18 husbands who were “B or B’d.”
Del: Which stands for …?
Gloria: “Buried or Banished.”
Gregor: Enough of the chitchat. Gloria, what did you think of Del’s introduction?
Gloria: Accurate. He could have expressed it a little more delicately in his choice of words.
Gregor: How would you have expressed it?
Gloria: Here is a woman who recognized a lost soul wandering in the swamp of male adolescence and led him to the path of salvation, earning his eternal gratitude in the process.
Del: Isn’t that pretty much what I said?
Gregor: Tell me how the whole thing started with you and our lad, Del.
Gloria: Wednesdays were Ladies Nights in Providence, meaning that a lot of the bars and clubs had half-off drinks for ladies. Trudy and I went once in a while, just to see what would happen. Keeping our hands in the game, you might say. I think we were pretending that we had a social life.
Gregor: Did much happen?
Gloria: Generally, no. Trudy and I–sometimes a few others– would have a couple of highballs–that’s what we drank back in those days–and talk catty about the other men and women in the bar. Occasionally a guy would offer to buy us a drink or ask us to dance, but usually, it was just an excuse to get made-up and dressed-up and to have a change of scenery. The most that ever came of it would be to be asked out on a date. But the main thing was, Trudy and I had a blast, and laughed ourselves silly.
Gregor: So, what changed?
Gloria: We were usually home by eleven o’clock. We’d have a nightcap, then call it a night. This one night, however, Trudy was pretty tipsy. I remember that it was all I could do to get her upstairs and put to bed. She was out by the time her head hit the pillow. I came back down and Del was there in his teenage tunnel, playing the same things over and over on his guitar. I don’t know why, but this particular night I decided to flip the script.
Del: Can I leave the room?
Gregor: By “flipping the script” you mean seducing this innocent child?
Gloria: By “innocent child” I assume you mean this horndog who was always trying to get a look down my shirt or up my skirt. Don’t forget. I’m 36 years old and been divorced for over five years. I’m a young, healthy, unattached woman who still needed human contact. Del seemed safe, of legal age, and even more in need of me than I was of him.
Del: Hear, hear! Yes, this evil woman took advantage of me time and time again that summer.
Gregor: This wasn’t premeditated on your part?
Gloria: No, completely spontaneous.
Gregor: Did you feel guilty about the fact that this was your best friend’s son?
Gloria: Yes and no. Yes, because I knew it would become a big issue if she found out about it, but no because we both knew that he was reaching an age where guys become sexually active, and this can be risky business. Don’t forget she got pregnant and had Del when she was seventeen. That was not a good experience for her. Eventually I knew that Del’s introduction to sex and romance came from someone safe and considerate. It’s not like I wanted to marry the kid.
Gregor: And you, Del. Didn’t you feel guilty about not sharing this with your your classmate, teammate, bandmate, and overall best mate?
Del: Not for a second, make that a nano-second? I never asked for details of your relationship with Cassandra.
Gregor: That’s because there were no details. Sex didn’t enter the picture with us until she finally went off to college.
Del: And Gloria was very specific about this. Don’t tell your mother and don’t tell your little buddy Greg. So I didn’t.
Gregor: Gloria, I never knew about you and Del until a few years ago.
Gloria: Believe me, honey, you didn’t miss a thing!
Gregor: We’ll be back with you in a minute, but first we have to sell some stuff. Take a break, and go to the bathroom, and when you get back with can have some serious talks about toilets. I’ll explain later.
Del: Today’s podcast is sponsored by Biolet, the Porcelain Throne of the Rising Sun. Gregor, so you know what home improvement has the highest ROI in your entire home?
Gregor: I have no idea what an ROI is, and you wouldn’t either if you weren’t holding that little card in your hand.
Del: It stands for Return on Investment and it is a measure of what a dollar invested in improving your home returns as value. So, you invest five grand installing central AC and put your home up for sale the day the installation is complete. Is your home now worth five thousand more? Probably not. If you can recover only two thousand of your five invested you have a negative three thousand ROI. Research shows luxury bathroom upgrades consistently have the highest returns of any home improvement.
Gregor: “Research” shows that, huh?
Del: Look it up on the Internet. And of all luxury upgrades, what is the single best appliance category?
Gregor; Let me take a wild guess … today’s sponsor, Biolet Toilets?
Del: Well, kindof … the answer is Ultra Toilets or which the Biolet is a leading brand.
Gregor: Does “Research” show this?
Del: How did you know? You can Google it. Here’s another indisputable fact: 82% of the world’s households do not have toilets that require the use of toilet paper.
Gregor: Jeez … I would have guessed something more like 79%. What’s your point, Old Rocker?
Del: That the world has passed us by. While here in ‘Merica we’re still scraping ourselves with corn cobs, the rest of the world are gently washing away their filth using science and technology to solve humankind’s most basic need.
Gregor: Which is …?
Del: Pooping! Google it! On a more serious level, you have a Biolet in your home, don’t you? Would you ever go back to a traditional toilet? When I think of it now, traditional toilets seem so backward. And wiping yourself with toilet paper? Barbaric! Do you realize that when you use toilet paper you’re actually pushing your waste back into yourself. Ewyuck! It’s about time for us to catch up with the rest of the world. Which model do you have?
Gregor: I don’t know the name, but it has about fifteen water massage settings. I haven’t tried them all yet. Sometimes I find Cassandra just hanging out on the Biolet.
Del: Really?
Gregor: Really, not really. Just tell people to buy a Biolet, so we can get back to our guest.
Del: Ok, but here’s something I can’t figure out. People come in all sizes, shapes, colors, flavors … there’s a lot of variation within the species …
Gregor: I’m not sure where you are going with this, but so far you haven’t said anything that shows you not to have a remarkable grasp of the obvious.
Del: But you sit them down on the Biolet, from Andre the Giant to Tom Thumb, from Tinkerbelle to Wonder Woman. You turn on that stream of warm, pulsing water and … BINGO! … it’s right on the old rosebud! How does it know?
Gregor: The Biolet knows all and sees all. It’s a wonder of technology.
Del: Right … on … the … ol’ … rosebud! (dramatic pause) Buy yourself a Biolet. Make your morning movement a moving moment with Biolet, the Porcelain Throne of the Rising Sun.
Gregor: Whew, I’m glad that’s over with. Gloria, did you happen to go to the toilet while we took a break?
Gloria: This girl doesn’t go to the bathroom. Ever.
Gregor: After Del left home, did you have any contact with him?
Gloria: I got the occasional letter of anguish while he was in New York, then basic training, and eventually, Vietnam. I answered them all dutifully, but I kept them newsy and chatty. If I knew anything about Obediah Brown School or your band, I’d pass it along, but I wanted him to understand that what happened with us was nice, but it was physical and it was over.
Del: Did you ever say anything to my Mom?
Gloria: Of course! I’m not going to keep something like that from my best girl! We ladies stick together.
Del: When did you do that?
Gloria: When you signed on with the Marines.
Del: How’d that go?
Gloria: She got all mad and indignant, but only for a day or two. I think she felt better about you being off on your own with a little home cooking in your belly. Then, things were back to normal, except she up and married that salesman guy and moved to Florida. I became the eyes and ears for you about what was going on with your mother as well as what was going on in Providence. It’s a small city. Everyone knows what everyone else is doing there.
Del: I remember writing to you to find out her new address in Florida. She never bothered telling me.
Gloria: Well, that guy didn’t last too long. Then she took up with a guy who was in real estate. He brought her to Venice Beach. Then she dumped him and got into real estate herself. Did pretty well, too.
Gregor: And what did you do professionally.
Gloria: I was an Executive Assistant at Symonds Jewelry …
Gregor: Symonds Diamonds! An old Rhode Island firm.
Gloria: Yes, very respected …
Gregor: Saul Symonds was a contributor to my political campaigns. He was the first person Democrats turned to when they need money.
Gloria: And who do you think wrote those checks, honey?
Gregor: Fascinating. Tell us more.
Gloria: I started there as a secretary, then just grew with the company. I was Saul’s gatekeeper and, to put it bluntly, I was his side action, too. It was one of the best known secrets in town.
Gregor: The Symonds were a very prominent family, very active civically and in the Jewish Community.
Gloria: Everyone in the family knew about me and Saul. I got along great with his wife Ellen.
Gregor: She knew about you?
Gloria: It was one of those “don’t ask, don’t tell” situations. Ellen probably thought I was a lot better than some expensive shicksa in Manhattan. They included me in all the family functions. I went to every bar mitzvah and anniversary celebration, usually as the date of Sheldon Symonds, Saul’s brother who was a real nebbish.
Gregor: Getting back to you and Del …
Gloria: We worried about him the whole time he was in Vietnam even though we knew he wasn’t in actual combat. The whole country was in a mess. The diamond business was going pretty good, however. Then, right about the time we were expecting him to come home. I get a phone call from him and he says “Gloria, I’m going to disappear, and I mean really disappear. Tell my mom I’m ok. Don’t believe what you read, and just sit tight. I’m ok. Just sit tight.” So, that’s what we did. The next thing we heard was that he was dead.
Gregor: Yeah, Cassandra and I read it in the Providence Journal. We were distraught. We had no reason not to believe it.
Gloria: It was very confusing. I couldn’t say anything, except what I kept saying to Trudy. “Sit tight.” That’s all I could say.
Del: I was completely fucked up. That’s all I can say. Looking back, I know I caused a lot of pain.
Gregor: So, for all those years that Del was underground, you were the mole. The eyes and ears on the ground.
Gloria: It wasn’t hard to keep on top of things in Providence. It’s such a small town, and you and Cassandra were public figures. Plus, those musical clues that showed up in your mailbox without postmarks? I put them there. Paying back your father for the money he lent Del? That was me, too.
Gregor: My dad never believed Del was dead. I wish he was around for the resurrection.
Gloria: Life is timing. What matters is now. You saw a chance to disappear, and you grabbed it. I saw a chance to help a teenager grow up, and I grabbed it.
Gregor: That’s something I could have done better in life.
Del: You kidding me. You staked your claim on Cassandra before I even laid eyes on her.
Gregor: And now?
Gloria: I walk Venice Beach looking for shark’s teeth.
Del: How many are you up to?
Gloria: 869, but I’ll never catch Trudy. She’s got over 950.
Gregor: What are you two going to do with all of those shark’s teeth?
Gloria: I don’t know about Trudy, but I’m going to dump mine back in the drink.
Gregor: Hey Trudy, thanks for being with us and filling in some important gaps in our story. Hey, Del and I are old enough to retire … should we check out Venice Beach?
Gloria: No, too crowded, too many old people, and not enough shark’s teeth. Check out Portugal. I hear that’s the place to be these days. It’s been a pleasure talking with you boys. ‘Bye.
Del: “You boys” … nice to have somebody talk about us as “boys.” I still feel like one.
Gregor: Take my word, you’re not a kid any more.
Del: (starts singing from Bobby’s Girl)
You’re not a kid any more … You’re not a kid any more (keeps it going in background)
Gregor: (narrates) When people ask of me
What would you like to be
Now that you’re not a kid … any more
Del: You’re not a kid any more … you know what this reminds me of?
Gregor: Uh … Bobby’s Girl?
Del: No, you remember at the end of gigs when we’d play the Stones’s It’s All Over Now, and we’d stretch out those repeating chords for about ten minutes just to fill up time. (Sings the chords Baumm, babump baumm-m-m)
Gregor: We don’t want to be those guys just filling up time at the end.
Del: It ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings …
Gregor: Must have been Mama Cass …
Del: And it ain’t over ’til it’s over …
Gregor: Yogi Berra …
Del: But all’s well that ends well …
Gregor: Billy Shakespeare!
Del: Well, I’ve told you once, and I’ve told you twice …
Gregor: And it’s time to listen to our own advice. Play loud, Brother Del.
Del: And play fast, old friend … it’s time to get the hell off the stage.
the end
