Theme music begins:
“When I was young, my Dad used to say,
‘Son, we’re all going to die one day.
Why don’t you take a little time to do some good along the way …
Take a little time …
(music fades going into chorus.)
Gregor: Hey Everybody, Gregor Brewster here with my partner in crime, Del Watson, and we’re here to regale you with Tales of The Old Rockers, a musical journey into the catacombs of Rock ‘n Roll.
Del: Not to be argumentative, but we really don’t spend a lot of time delving into the catacombs, do we? Actually we spend more time exploring the impact of modern marketing on an aging Baby Boom population.
Gregor: No one wants to listen to that.
Del: How are we going to fix it?
Gregor: I’m not sure that we can. Some problems are just too big, even for Old Rockers.
Del: Well, you’re certainly a buzz-kill. Should we just tell people to go elsewhere.
Gregor: No, because we’ve got a very interesting guest today.
Del: And who is it?
Gregor: You’re joking, right? Our guest today is your wife. Seriously … you didn’t know that?
Del: Of course I knew it. I live with the lady, don’t I? I just was trying to keep the conversation going. We’re really not off to a very good start today. Let’s hope our guest can salvage the show. Joining us here in our snowbound studio in sunny, but frigid Vermont, is the beautiful, exotic, and alluring … ‘Sythia.
Gregor: Welcome ‘Sythia. Let’s begin with the name. It’s just “‘Sythia?” No last name?
‘Sythia: Let me check my driver’s license … oh, there is a last name. I just don’t use it.
Gregor: Why not?
‘Sythia: I don’t need it. I don’t need to distinguish myself from a bunch of other ‘Sythias out there.
Gregor: That’s true, but ‘Sythia was not the name you were born with?
‘Sythia: No one has a name when they are born.
Gregor: True enough, but ‘Sythia is not the name you were given at birth …
‘Sythia: It depends on how you define “birth” …
Gregor: Del … help me out here …
Del: (laughs) Tell us how you came to be called ‘Sythia.
‘Sythia: I was living in the part of California called The Emerald Triangle, and although it is called that, the grass turns brown by about June, but in April it’s glorious. Everything is bursting with life from the snowmelt. The streams are rushing, and then one day the Forsythia just explodes into bloom with golden, yellow brilliance. The winter had been long, cold, and grey. The earth was saturated. Mudslides everywhere. But one day, the sun came out, the forsythia popped, and I knew everything was going to be all right.
Gregor: And then Del … called Billy back then … came into your life?
‘Sythia: No, I didn’t meet him until a year later. What made you think that?
Gregor: I’m sorry … I guess I had the timing wrong.
Del: Describe your life at that time.
‘Sythia: I was still trying to figure things out. I was nineteen or twenty, and I had a kid, and I’m living on this commune where, to be honest, no one knew what the fuck they were doing.
Del: Tell us more.
‘Sythia: Most of the kids were from suburban backgrounds. We were reasonably well-educated, but we didn’t know shit about how to survive. We’re building these crazy-ass houses that all fell apart in about five years. We’re trying to survive on diets of brown rice and turnips. We’re making rules like “clothing optional,” then figuring out policies to enforce them … we’re re-inventing wheels that need steering, not re-invention. It was nuts.
Gregor: The complete opposite of my life– go to college, marry girl of your dreams, go to law school, join Daddy’s firm, have 2.3 children … how did Del … Billy … Hey, we’ve got to get this straight. Are we referring to you a Del, your real name, or “Billy,” the name you were going by at the time?
Del: I think “Del,” because that’s my real name and it’s my name for the here and now. It’s my reality.
‘Sythia: And I say “Billy,” because there was no “Del” when I met you. He didn’t exist.
Gregor: It’s your story, let’s go with “Billy.” What set him apart?
‘Sythia: There were a bunch of guys, always running around, no shirts, long, hair, banging nails and smoking pot. With most of the guys they wanted to get into your pants, first, then they’d deal with the kid later. With Billy, he always wanted to play with Jerusalem first.”
Del: Then, get into your pants!
‘Sythia: I was living in the geodesic dome …
Del: … that leaked like a sieve …
‘Sythia: … that leaked like a sieve, and Billy didn’t think it would make it through the next winter, so he convinced me to move in with him in his teepee.
Gregor: How’d that work out?
‘Sythia: A lot better than the dome. Billy was right about that.
Gregor: Did he tell you about his past and where he came from?
‘Sythia: No, we were in an environment where you didn’t look back, and you didn’t look forward.
Del: Spent a lot of time staring at our bellybuttons. (all laugh)
‘Sythia: It was a great time. I have all kinds of fond memories … fuzzy, but fond.
Gregor: How did music fit in?
‘Sythia: Music was magic for Billy. I think there was always a tune going through his head. And that’s what set him apart and gave him his identity on the commune. By the way, we never called it a “commune;” it was always “the homestead” for us. He carried his guitar around with him most of the time, and he was very quick to bang out a tune. Don’t forget, we were off the grid, so there wasn’t a lot of outside entertainment. No television. No radio to speak of. In the early days we just didn’t have a lot of electricity. That improved over the years.
Gregor: Did he ever mention his mother, or me, or Grendel?
‘Sythia: Oh yes, he wasn’t secretive about anything, but it just spilled out in dribs and drabs over time. When I first met him, he still had quite the hard-on for Cassandra.
Gregor: Couldn’t you phrase that a little differently … “carried a torch,” or something.
‘Sythia: Sorry, Gregor. By the way, I got a good laugh over the way you stepped on your dick when Cassandra was on the podcast.
Gregor: I’m still digging my way out of that hole.
Del: It was refreshing to hear you two bickering!
Gregor: Can we get back to our guest? You were talking about music …
‘Sythia: In the early years Billy could be like the Pied Piper. Whenever we held a Homestead Council, Billy would lead us in song. You’d be amazed, but there are people out in Northern California who know all the words to Casserole Blues?
Gregor: (singing) “I’m going to fry your bacon, honey …” That’s funny. It’s still the only rock ‘n roll song to have the word “ratatouille.” We’ll get back to our special guest ‘Sythia, just ‘Sythia, not ‘Sythia Watson or Mann, and hear about the move to Vermont, after this word from today’s sponsor.
Del: Aging in place? That’s our plan. How about you and Cassandra?
Gregor: It’s our plan, too. But we’ve run into a problem … what do do about the damn stairs.
Del: How so?
Gregor: You’ve been to our house. The master bedroom is on the second floor.
Del: Always has been.
Gregor: Right now, we can scurry up and down the stairs just fine, but it might not always be that way.
Del: I hadn’t thought of that.
Gregor: That’s the difference between you and me … I do think of things like this, even if they are not pleasant.
Del: So, what are you going to do? Move the master bedroom down to the dining room?
Gregor: No, you silly goose, we’re going to install a Stairway to Heaven that will let us go up and down stairs with the push of a button.
Del: A Stairway to Heaven … such a thing really exists?
Gregor: Yes, it does, and it can be retrofit to nearly any stairway so that you can have easy access to all of your house, even if you have mobility issues.
Del: Maybe ‘Sythia and I should think about that, because our bedroom is on the second floor, too.
Gregor: I can give you their brochure or point you to their website. They will even come to your house and give you a free, no obligation estimate.
Del: I just thought of a problem. Your stairway goes straight up to the second floor. Ours has a landing and a right-angle turn.
Gregor: Not to worry, my friend, there are Stairway to Heaven models to fit 98% of American households. They have a model just for you.
Del: I bet they’re expensive.
Gregor: Not as expensive as moving to an assisted living facility. And the company has several low-cost financing options that make installing your Stairway as easy to go down as drinking a glass of Dulcolax.
Del: I know what I’m doing after today’s show … I’m calling Stairway to Heaven to get my free estimate.
Gregor: Mention “Old Rockers” and get 25% off on their Golden Throne upgrade.
Del: Now, back to our show, a lady who’s so together that, like Elvis, Prince, Fabian, or Adele, she needs only a single name, my wife, ‘Sythia.
‘Sythia: You guys have gotten really good at peddling that stuff.
Del: I know, shocking, isn’t it?
‘Sythia: That’s why they pay you the big bucks.
Del: Our agent Gwen–we had her on the show earlier– tells us that they’ve done studies on this and that our credibility actually goes UP if we make fun of our sponsors.
‘Sythia: I’d be buying a Stairway to Heaven even if I lived in a doublewide …
Gregor: I hate to intrude on this clever banter, but we do have a show to finish. At some point things began to change on The Homestead.
‘Sythia: Yes, you remember what it was like. Vietnam, Watergate, Nixon, then the First Arab Oil Embargo in 1973. It was chaotic and there was a real sense of outrage, like “how dare they not sell us their oil!” That sparked a back-to-the-land movement which then got a second boost in 1979 when there was a second Arab oil embargo.
Gregor: Then Reagan got elected, and all kinds of awful shit started happening. Chernobyl, the Exxon-Valdez, Three Mile Island. How did things change at The Homestead?
‘Sythia: The Old Guard, people like me, were getting older. Our kids were in school. You have to forget the “us versus them” mentality when your kid’s on the same soccer team as the cop’s kid. Some people went back to become grown-ups, and the new generation of people who moved in were there for the wrong reasons.
Gregor: How so?
‘Sythia: We were all anti-establishment, for sure, but these people were anti-social, because they were doing things that they didn’t want the rest of the world to know about. People weren’t just getting zonked on grass, they were freebasing or taking heroin. Pretty soon there was talk of meth labs off in the woods with guard dogs and guns. Billy became more and more paranoid that we’d get caught up in the bad shit that we could see taking over The Homestead.
Gregor: Had Billy come clean with you about his past?
‘Sythia: Oh completely. I knew all about you, his Mom, and her good friend Gloria. I knew about the music connection that he kept up with you. I was there when he got Jeru to sing On My Birthday over the phone on your 40th. I knew all about the homo-erotic bond between the two of you.
Del: (interrupts) Waitaminute, waitaminute … what are you talking about?
‘Sythia: “Homo” comes from the Latin for man, and I assume that you know what “erotic” means.
Del: Gregor and I are not gay.
‘Sythia: I’m not saying you are.
Del: “Homo Erotic” sounds pretty much like “gay” to my ear.
‘Sythia: It’s something very different. Males can have very strong attractions to other males that are very different than what they have for females. That’s all I’m saying. You don’t have to be defensive about. I’m sure there’s a homo-erotic quality to the relationships among The Beatles, or guys on a sports team. Don’t get your panties up in a bunch.
Del: Call us buddies, or pals, or best friends.
‘Sythia: You know that what bonded you and Gregor over all these years was more than “pals.” Just recognize it and call it what you like. Meanwhile, I’ll stick with homo erotic. Didn’t you listen to your own podcast with Samantha and Jeru? Isn’t that what you were writing about in “Tried Girls?” There are all kinds of different relationships out there in the world.
Del: We’re not gay. The original title of that song is I Think I’m in Love.
‘Sythia: And love is love is love. Whatever! There are different relationships that fall under the banner of “love.” That’s all I’m saying. I love my mother, but that doesn’t make us lesbians.
Gregor: Kids … let’s move on. Did you think that Del and I would be re-united one day.
‘Sythia: I was sure of it. I’m surprised it took so long.
Gregor: So when Cassandra and I showed up at the Farmer’s Market that morning, you weren’t surprised.
‘Sythia: I hadn’t been expecting it that day, but I knew that it would happen. Just a matter of when.
Gregor: How about this latest twist, with us becoming worldwide celebrities as The Old Rockers?
‘Sythia: That has been a total surprise, and a bit of a mixed blessing.
Del: How so?
‘Sythia: You two were in a band as teenagers … so what? You got back together after many years of separation … big deal! You can both play a few chords on the guitar and warble a few songs … who cares? No one , BUT the Drama Dude kid suggested you turn your story into a play, AND we make a video of the show because Gregor and Cassandra happen to be on the board of the Repertory Company, AND the Repertory Company does a production of it AND high-powered agent, HAPPENS to be in town visiting her sister, AND … it’s a litany of “what ifs?”, and every one of them worked in your favor.
Gregor: So … we don’t deserve our success?
‘Sythia: No, you DO deserve your success, because you were in the arena when lightning struck, but it could have just as easily been old rockers Frank and Harry in Kansas City or old rockers Ed and Pinky down in Baltimore. You do deserve it, but you are a couple of very, very lucky bastards.
Gregor: I can accept that, and I would add that we’re also a couple of very, very lucky podcasters to have you as a guest today on the Old Rocker’s Podcast. Got any final words, Del?
Del: I just want it to be clear that we’re not gay, and that we are equally lucky to be sponsored today by the Stairway to Heaven electric stair chair, makers of the Golden Throne. Stay tuned for next week when our guests are Phelps Downing of the Trinity Square Repertory and Royalton Bent, sometimes known as “Drama Dude.”
Ed and Pinky from Baltimore