[I should have written this piece. It should have appeared originally in this journal, but the truth is, I have not been spending as much time as I should, as a responsible journalist, chasing down clickbait. I’ve been too busy doing things like going to my 6 year-old granddaughter’s birthday party. When am I going to learn to set my priorities straight? SB SM]
A silverback gorilla could turn your ribcage into a percussion instrument, but dudes on the internet still think they could “rush it.” Let’s discuss.
Frank Arriola and Napoleon Media 🐷
May 02, 2025
https://substack.com/home/post/p-162695684 [Frank’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.]
Every so often, the internet gifts us a thought experiment so profoundly dumb it circles back to being brilliant. The latest: Could 100 unarmed men defeat one angry silverback gorilla?
It’s not a question based on biology, logic, or the value of human life. It’s based on Reddit threads, barstool bravado, and the spiritual disease that is “main character energy.”
This hypothetical is the modern male ego’s version of a funhouse mirror: warped, overconfident, and somehow still thinking they’re walking gods.
Know Your Opponent: The Silverback Gorilla
Let’s get the stats on this jungle juggernaut:
- 400+ pounds of fast-twitch fury
- Biceps thicker than your torso
- Bite force stronger than a pit bull
- Can crush a coconut like it’s a Capri Sun
- Doesn’t negotiate. Doesn’t get tired. Doesn’t care.
This isn’t an animal. It’s a furry forklift with emotions.
“But It’s 100 Guys, Bro!”
Here’s where the delusion gets thick enough to spread on toast.
Every guy in the comments becomes a makeshift war tactician:
“20 guys rush the front. 50 circle behind. We dogpile the arms. It’s over.”
It’s not. You’re not SEAL Team 6. You’re Greg from HR and your CrossFit buddies. And even if you perfectly coordinated an attack (you won’t), the gorilla’s going to break out of that pile like it’s shedding laundry.
The first 10 guys die in seconds. The next 20 run. The rest form a Reddit thread about “what we could’ve done differently.”
The Harambe Angle: My Interview With a Gorilla Trainer
On my old AMP podcast (RIP to Amazon’s attempt at live audio — gone but not forgotten), I interviewed one of Harambe’s former trainers — a guy who actually worked with him in Texas before the Cincinnati Zoo.
During the episode, I brought up a legendary story: Mike Tyson once offered a zookeeper $10,000 to let him fight a silverback gorilla. Because of course he did.
The fight never happened — probably because someone involved had a brain cell left. But when I asked the trainer if Tyson would’ve stood a chance, he didn’t hesitate:
“Mike wouldn’t have lasted a minute.”
And this guy wasn’t some random gorilla fanboy — he knew Harambe. In fact, he told me that the moment he heard a gorilla had been killed at the Cincinnati Zoo, he said to himself: “That had to be Harambe.” And it was.
He trained him. He respected him. And he was certain that not even the former heavyweight champ of the world could survive a round with an angry silverback.
But sure, 100 guys on Reddit could do it. With teamwork. And snacks.
Why This Debate Won’t Die
Because it’s not about gorillas. It’s about modern men craving meaning in a world that doesn’t ask them to punch things anymore. It’s about the fantasy of primal purpose. It’s about wishing life had a boss battle to prove you’re not just a guy who forgot to return his Amazon package on time.
It’s also about being so confident in your own mediocrity that you think a YouTube tutorial and group chat strategy session is enough to beat 2 million years of evolutionary muscle.
Final Score: Gorilla 1, Internet 0
Could 100 men take down a gorilla?
Only in a world where the gorilla is asleep, tied down, and half the men are armed with tranquilizer guns and therapy degrees. Otherwise, it’s just 100 obituaries and one full gorilla.
The truth is: the gorilla doesn’t just win. He teaches a lesson. A lesson about biology. About hubris. About why some debates should stay in the Discord server and not spill into real life.
Final Thoughts:
This isn’t a fight. It’s a funeral with a guest list. And the guest of honor? He’s not wearing a suit — he’s smashing skulls in the jungle like God intended.