[Are these rankings really definitive? Brian Frange says so. SB SM]
Brian Frange is a comedian and writer who has been yelling about apples for years. He started yelling about apples professionally in 2016 while working on Comedy Central’s Not Safe with Nikki Glaser while serving as co-host on the Not Safe Podcast. Shortly after that he started the Tumblr apple review blog The Appleist and it became popular, I guess. Since then he’s yelled about apples on stages across America and radio shows across the world. What started as a bit revolving around his love of apples has now become a full-time job where Brian makes $700,000,000,000 per week providing apple advice for wealthy fruit enthusiasts.
For decades the apple had been on a relentless descent into the fiery pits of Hell, desperately lurching toward its biblical namesake as “Satan’s Fruit.” With the rapid degradation of the once mighty Red Delicious and the intentional impotence of apple farmers across the world, we were faced with the unthinkable: the rise of the pear.
Thankfully in the early 2000s, due to the emergence of a class of idle yuppies willing to shell out disproportionate amounts of disposable income at organic grocery stores, it became economically viable to invest in the development of what I term “designer apples.” As a result, a dizzying array of new apples hit the shelves and continued to do so year after year.
With so many new breeds, the antiquated system of delegating an apple as “good” or “bad” is an unworkable injustice of oversimplification. Society demands an updated rubric for apple evaluation that meets the moment. I have created that rubric.
I have no children. This rating scale is my only hope to keep my namesake alive. It is something I hope to be utilized for generations to come and is my only chance at achieving immortality. Therefore I am naming this system: The Frange 100 Point Apple Rating Scale aka the F100.
Each apple is evaluated on a one hundred point scale broken down into nine categories. Each category is worth a maximum of ten points, aside from “TASTE” – which is weighted double, for a maximum of twenty points. As always, the points reflect each candidate as a “munching apple”.
The 100 Point Scale
TOP APPLE TIER
100pts: The Fabled “Immaculate Apple”
95 – 99pts: Just Short of Sheer Perfection
90 – 94pts: Superior to Most
85 – 89pts: Excellent
80 – 84pts: Very Good
MEDIOCRE APPLE TIER
75 – 79pts: Pretty Good
70 – 74pts: Mediocre
65 – 69pts: Serviceable if Desperate
55 – 64pts: Barely Worth the Calories
PURE SHIT APPLE TIER
50 – 54pts: Not Worth Eating
30 – 49pts: Horse Food
20 – 29pts: Despicable
APPLE HELL
10 – 19pts: Vomitous Filth
0 – 9pts: Criminal Malfeasance
The Categories
After the initial one hundred point evaluation is calculated several additional factors are considered which may add or subtract points. These include: Lineage, History, Sustainability, Uniqueness, Longevity, and Alternative Uses (cider, applesauce, baking).
TASTE
Regardless of flavor profile (sweetness, tartness, intensity) – delicious apples receive top points with special consideration for every day use as well as versatility in varying circumstances. Points deducted for tasting like shit and/or trash.
CRISPNESS
Top points awarded for producing a satisfying snap and/or crunch with each bite throughout the life of the apple. Soft, gummy apples deserve no accolade.
SKIN
Points awarded for unobtrusive skins that break apart easily. Thick skins that linger in your throat or create a choking hazard are condemnable.
FLESH
The flesh of an apple ought to be smooth, relatively firm, and maintain integrity throughout a meal. Points deducted for early oxidation rates which turns the flesh brown. And above all, a mealy apple is a disgrace.
JUICINESS
The higher the liquid content and succulent nature of the apple the better. Bone dry, ashy nonsense can be thrown in the compost heap.
DENSITY
Top points for having a sturdy construction without being too hard or heavy. Apples which cause gum or tooth pain as well as apples which can be used as a weapon face massive deductions.
BEAUTY
Beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors. The most subjective of all the categories, an aesthetically pleasing apple that begs to be eaten receives top points.
BRANDING / CONSISTENCY
Top points are assigned to apples with names, logos, and packaging that match the personality of the breed while creating a unique, evocative aura about the fruit. Points deducted for names that scream quiet desperation or elicit feelings of confusion. Above all, maintaining the integrity and reputation of the breed through dependable and unvarying quality is paramount.
COST / AVAILABILITY
The perfect apple is available year-round and is affordable on a modest budget. Points deducted for exorbitant and inaccessible apples.
All I can say to Me Frange is, “I fart in your general direction.”