What to do this Weekend

[Thanks to SB John (Mendocino Bonobos) for reminding there’s still time to go. SB SM]

I will not go to burn the man!

I will not go to burn the man!

I shall not, will not, although I can.

I have no interest in this desert party,

Even though I like all things arty.

I will not go to burn the man!

I have no desire or a plan.

I don’t want hear the thumping beats,

Or see the blinky light-filled streets,

I will not go to burn the man,

I won’t even go to Gerlachistan.

It’s just the playa is so spacious,

It makes their egos grow rapacious.

So you see, I cannot go….

It will burn without me, that I know.

I will not go there in a truck,

I will not go there just to fuck,

I would not, could not go to dance

I will not, shall not with no pants

I am not going to Burning Man

So it’s cool, I don’t give a damn.

I will not roll around in dirt

I will not sleep inside a yurt.

Even Larry in his hat

Could not make me go to that.

I will not pay for Burning Man tix

Nor take money from the six.

No grant, job, or radio will I take

I will not go to that dead ass lake.

— Jennifer Holmes (👏)

for those of you who can’t get away, here’s some DIY instructions:


1. Pay an escort of your affectional preference subset to not bathe for five days, cover themselves in glitter, dust, and sunscreen, wear a skanky neon wig, dance close to naked, then say they have a lover back home at the end of the night.

2. Tear down your house. Put it in a truck. Drive 10 hours in any direction. Put the house back together. Invite everyone you meet to come over and party. When they leave, follow them back to their homes, drink all their booze, and break things.

3. Stack all your fans in one corner of the living room. Put on your most fabulous outfit. Turn the fans on full blast. Dump the contents of a vacuum cleaner bag in front of them.

4. Buy a new set of expensive camping gear. Break it.

5. Only use the toilet in a house that is at least 3 blocks away. Drain all the water from the toilet. Only flush it every 3 days. Hide all the toilet paper.

6. Set your house thermostat so it’s 50 degrees for the first hour of sleep and 100 degrees the rest of the night.

7. Before eating any food, drop it in a sandbox and lick a battery.

8. Spend thousands of dollars and several months of your life building a deeply personal art work. Hide it in a funhouse on the edge of the city. Hire people to come by and alternate say “I love it” and “this sucks balls”. Blow it up.

9. Set up a DJ system downwind of a three alarm fire. Play a short loop of drum’n’bass until the embers are cold.

10. Make a list of all the things you’ll do different next year. Never look at it.

11. Have a 3 a.m. soul baring conversation with a drag nun in platforms, a crocodile and Bugs Bunny. Be unable to tell if you’re hallucinating. Lust after Bugs Bunny.

12. Cut, burn, electrocute, bruise, and sunburn various parts of your body. Forget how you did it. Don’t go to a doctor.

13. “Downsize” last year’s camp by adding two geodesic domes, a new sound system, art car, and 20 newbies.

14. Don’t sleep for 5 days. Take a wide variety of hallucinogenic/emotion altering drugs. Pick a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend.

15. Spend a whole year rummaging through thrift stores for the perfect, most outrageous costume. Forget to pack it.

16. Shop at Wal-mart, CostCo, and Home Depot until your car is completely packed with stuff. Tell everyone that you’re going to a “Leave-No-Trace” event. Empty your car into a dumpster.

17. Read “Dhalgren” by Samuel R. Delany. Read “The City Not Long After” by Pat Murphy. Cut off the bindings, throw all the pages up in the air and shuffle them back together. Reread “The City After Dhalgren” by Samuel Murphy. Burn it. Read the ashes.

18. Listen to music you hate for 168 hours straight, or until you think you are going to scream. Scream. Realize you’ll love the music for the rest of your life.

19. Spend 5 months planning a “theme camp” like it’s the invasion of Normandy. Spend Monday-Wednesday building the camp. Spend Thurs-Sunday nowhere near camp because you’re sick of it or can’t find it.

20. Walk around your neighborhood and knock on doors until someone offers you cocktails and dinner.

21. Bust your ass for a “community.” See all the attention get focused on the drama queen crybaby.

22. Get so drunk you can’t recognize your own house. Walk slowly around the block for 5 hours.

23. Tell your boss you aren’t coming to work this week but he should “gift” you a paycheck anyway. When he refuses accuse him of not loving the “community”.

25. Search alleys until you find a couch so unbelievably tacky and nasty filthy that a state college frat house wouldn’t want it. Take a nap on the couch and sleep like you are king of the world.

26. Ask your most annoying neighbor to interrupt your fun several times a day with third hand gossip about every horrible thing that’s happened in the last 24 hours. Have them wear khaki.

27. Go to a museum. Find one of Salvador Dali’s more disturbing, but beautiful paintings. Climb inside it. Wake up covered in vomit with an IV in your arm.

Kal Spelletich (👏)


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