[This is a picture of my dad, John Morris. He was a lawyer by trade, but he never practiced law, but chose instead to have a career with the American Red Cross, an organization perhaps best-known for administering local blood donating drives across the country. My mother, too, was a regular volunteer as a Gray Lady at local drives. Naturally, anyone who donates blood is considered a hero in this household, especially these days when there is a nationwide shortage.
Why then would Silverback Digest publish an irreverent piece that makes fun of the process of donating blood and surely will be offensive to many? Answer: because we’ll do anything for a cheap laugh. Enjoy. SB SM]
Blood Supply Safety Questionnaire
by Silverback Bill (Hinesburg SBs)
Thank you for giving blood today. In order to maintain a safe blood supply, we must ask you to fill out the following questionnaire. Many questions are personal, but will be kept in strictest confidence. You may at anytime walk out of the blood bank and no questions will be asked, and your answers will NOT be kept on file or shared with your mother, wife or daughter depending on your age. Again, thank you for donating blood. Your blood saves lives. Please answer all questions honestly using a simple yes or no. Do not prevaricate or elaborate. The computer will only accept a “yes” or “no” answer.
1. Have you ever been transfused with blood from one of your pets?
2. Is your wife or mistress a native of Gabon or Cameroon?
3. In the last five days have you suffered from night sweats or flatulence?
4. Since 1977, have you had or used a passport?
5. Have you ever been diagnosed with any of the following diseases?:
b. Fallen womb or dropsy?
c. Galactose intolerance?
d. Mad Cow disease (Irate Bovine encephalitis)?
e. Myocardial infatuation?
g. Lurid Spongiform Debilitosis?
h. Alluvial depression?
i. Foaming Syndrome?
6. In the last year have you traveled or ordered online blood products from Haiti, Gabon, Cameroon, Myanmar, Uzbekistan, or Walmart?
7. In the last five days, have you been spelunking in caves frequented by livid bats or glassy-eyed drooling primates?
8. In the last 48 days, have you had sex with any of the following:
a. A primate?
b. A clotter?
c. A civet cat?
d. A seemingly angry or unusually distraught sheep?
e. A Thai boy-girl?
f. A member of Al Qaeda?
g. A feral goat from Haiti, Gabon, Cameroon or Quebec?
9. In the last sixty days have you paid for sex with your wife or your neighbor’s wife?
10. Do you frequently exhibit symptoms?
11. Are you financially dependent on revenue from the sex trade?
12. Have you ever trafficked in exotic pets?
13. Have you ever injected bovine growth hormone?
14. Have you ever injected or inhaled beef or chicken broth from any of the following countries. Gabon, Cameroon, Britain, France, Afghanistan, or Canada?
- Have you ever had sex with, emailed or otherwise communicated with someone named Jacob Kreutzfeldt?
16. To the best of your knowledge do you have SARS and do you know what it is?
17. In the last five days, have you had a fever in excess of 110 degrees Fahrenheit?
18. Are you laxative dependent?
19. Are you now or have you ever been a practitioner of Haitian voodoo, Brazilian Obeia or Islamic fundamentalism?
20. Have you ever been issued a visa to Transylvania?
21. Do seemingly underachieving white-tailed deer hang out in your vegetable garden?
22. Are you now or have you ever been a sex object
23. Have you ever been bitten by a mosquito that later developed gonorrhea, SARS, or syphilis?
24. Have you ever had sex with a deer that was later found to have been bitten by a tick with Lyme disease?
25. Do you walk in the woods with exposed skin?
26. Do birds act crazy on your deck and fall down dead?
27. Do you keep farm animals in your bedroom or in areas where food is prepared?
28. Have your children ever raced small turtles on food preparation areas or butcher block surfaces where salads are prepared for human consumption?
29. Is your wife or cleaning lady an undocumented sex worker?
30. Have you had plastic surgery in the last five days?
31. Do you wash your hands after evacuating your house?
32. Are you anemic, pandemic or epidemic?
33. Have you noticed any unusual parasites, cling-ons or crustacea around your offices?
34. Do you feel it is safe to share your blood with someone who may need it?
Thank you for answering honestly and ensuring our nation’s safe blood supply. All answers will remain unpublished until after your death. We will notify you by Federal Express should we find any of the above answers to have been untrue or if you have a serious disease of which you were not aware.
Bill Schubart is a literary fiction writer who writes about Vermont in fiction, humor, and opinion pieces. He was born in New York City. Schubart attended Morrisville grade school, Exeter Academy, Kenyon College, and graduated from UVM with a degree in French. He has lived in Vermont since 1947.