Paraprosdokians

(Every few years I crank out a tune. Some of them have been inflicted on you, my loyal denizens of The Jungle. Within my canon of musical masterpieces is an unfinished country and western song, “Whatever Love Is, I Don’t It You.” The title and theme delights me. But that’s as far as it’s gone. Oh, there is the chorus “It keeps you warm at night, it gets you into fights. Whatever love is, I don’t IT you.” The title is a paraprokian, deriving from the Greek words for “against” and “expectations.” In the case of this song title, the second part of the the sentence is against the expectation established in the first part. The result is slightly confusing, but hopefully a little humorous and delightful at the same time. Without further adieu, here are some sample of paraprodokians. SB SM)

(from an unidentified source on social media)

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Actor Val Kilmer Explains Why Playing Mark Twain is Such 'a Bitch' | ArtSlut

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

7. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put “DOCTOR.”

11. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street…with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

16. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

17. There’s a fine line between cuddling and…holding someone down so they can’t get away.

Groucho Marx…August 19, 1977 – PowerPop… An Eclectic Collection of Pop  Culture

18. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.19. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

21. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

23. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

24. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.

Paraprodokians from Celebrities

Stephen King (Author of The Shining)
  • I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. –Groucho Marx
  • He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. –Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long. –Mitch Hedberg
  • Standing in the park today, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets…then it hit me. –Stewart Francis
  • When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. –Rodney Dangerfield
  • My husband can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house – he can’t stand the competition. –Phyllis Diller
  • Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. –George Carlin
  • There are three kinds of people in the world – those who can count, and those who can’t. –Unknown
  • I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they’d never expect it. –Jack Handey
  • The company accountant is shy and retiring. He’s shy a quarter of a million dollars. That’s why he’s retiring. –Milton Berle
  • I’m a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge. –Robin Williams
  • I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,’”but I don’t have that much time. –Stephen Wright
  • Always remember my grandfather’s last words: “A truck!” –Emo Phillips
  • Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones. –Joan Rivers
  • Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. –Mark Twain
  • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. –Peter De Vries
  • I have the heart of a small boy – in a glass jar on my desk. –Stephen King
  • People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. –A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh
  • The Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likable. In three days no one could stand him. –Joseph HellerCatch 22
  • The freelance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps. –Robert Benchley
  • Gravity is a contributing factor in 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. –Dave Barry
  • When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is. – Oscar Wilde
  • He’s a writer for the ages…for the ages of four to eight. –Dorothy Parker

Paraprodokians from Politicians

Barack Obama on writing his memoir A Promised Land | EW.com
  • Thomas Jefferson once said, “We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.” And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying. –Ronald Reagan
  • You know nothing for sure…except the fact that you know nothing for sure. –John F. Kennedy
  • We can always count on the Americans to do the right thing, after they have exhausted all the other possibilities. –Winston Churchill
  • Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. –Herbert Hoover
  • People say I’m indecisive, but I don’t know about that. –George H.W. Bush
  • Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. –Benjamin Franklin
  • If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it’s possible that I’m a little too awesome. –Barack Obama

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