Some material from SB Ross, some from SB Dave.
Old saying – “JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS”
New saying – “JUST SAY NO TO YOUR KIDS”
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I went to KFC and ordered 12 chicken legs. It was always on my bucket list.
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I used to live in a safe city. I always put my key under the mat at my front door.
Now I put my key under Matt, the homeless guy who lives on my front porch.
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At my age I don’t have any tattoos, but I do have some moles I can show you.
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I heard someone say that lions have sex ten times a day.
I wish I hadn’t joined Rotary last week.
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My wife never complained about anything during our years together,….. until I got hearing aids.
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I went for an interview last week and was asked if I gossip.
I said “No but, do you want to know who does?”
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Dads were asked if there was a time machine, would they go back and strangle baby Hitler.
Most responded “No, but I could if he were a teenager.”
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My daughter was caught shoplifting.
I told my wife I wasn’t going to do anything about it until after my birthday.
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It’s been reported that 50% of people are unhappy with their marriage.
I can back that number up, as I took a poll at my own house.
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My wife has a male friend whom she works with at her place of employment.
She calls him “Her work husband.” They have 2 kids together.
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Our marriage counselor said we should say “I love you,”
when we wake up in the morning……… NOT, “you again.”
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When we were married, we were sad when we were told we couldn’t have kids,
……..by our landlord.
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My son always calls me when he’s drunk, which is a good thing,
as he is only allowed one call.
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Our son is graduating university next week and my wife and I are thinking of
buying him a car, as we are pretty sure he’s going to be a Uber driver.
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Sometimes I have trouble sleeping when I find myself not being able to breathe.
It’s not sleep apnea, it’s when my wife holds a pillow over my head.
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I see that stores are now selling toilet paper in single packs.
Is that for people who are trying to quit?
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The guy across the street from my house was in the Mafia but he was really a nice guy.
He would always give me $10 just to start his car.
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We had a yellow cat named ” Butter”. He passed away so we got another yellow cat.
We called this one, ” I can’t believe it’s not Butter.”
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My neighbour told me she had done a lot of Botox.
Only one of us could keep a straight face.
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I met my wife on jury duty. Even though there was strong DNA evidence,
I was able to get her acquitted.
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I saw an ad for a “Mommy and Me” class. I called the number and asked if it was
okay if I attended as a “Daddy and Me.” They said sure, no problem, everyone is welcome.
Well, there was a problem when I showed up with my dad.
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Instead of leaving a better planet for our kids, why not leave better kids for our planet?
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